What Could Have Been
by Alenor Peredhel
Summary: A few Eclipse spoilers, nothing major. Bella reflects the past, and wonders if she had made her choices differently, how her life would have turned out. She wonders, what could have been...


Disclaimer: Sorry everybody I don't own Twilight!

A/N: So no one gets confused, Bella doesn't have children, so when I mention a girl named "Cassie" and her calling Bella "Mom" it just means she's an adopted daughter. Well I hope that I didn't confuse anyone with that!...**Hope you enjoy**.

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What Could Have Been

It was one of those days where I was glad that Edward couldn't read my mind. He knew I was troubled, but his ability could reach the inner ring of my thoughts. They were locked behind a vault, guarded with the tightest security I could manage. My mind did not open up to him.

I had thought it locked forever, my mind mused, as I trailed a finger against the pane of glass, following the path of a raindrop. I could hear it, even inside, the pitter patter, like the sounds of tiny feet across the roof.

_Jacob Black_, the words whispered through my head, clutching around my heart, though it no longer existed. I bent my head, ignoring the rain.

I had to be careful, even more so now. I was hurting, and in my hurt, I could accidentally break something. For a brief moment like a whisper to my subconscious I felt Edward behind me. He left though, so quickly that I could not turn to him and his gentle embrace, even though I did not want it.

_Jacob Black_, I squeezed my eyes shut, trembling. Why did we have to come back here? Why? What had possessed Carlisle to come back to this rainy town of Forks? I knew they wouldn't have come if I had said no, but I had been unable to object when it had come to light. I had froze, my body shutting down. Jasper had felt it, had felt my panic, but I had begged him with a quick glance, to say nothing.

Loyal, Jasper had kept his silence. I regretted it now.

How many years had passed? I could not count. They seemed to slip away, like the rain against the window. I understand now what Edward meant about time. When time was eternal, it failed to be a consequence in your life. It was there and mildly annoying, like the bite of a mosquito or the tick of a clock.

I knew enough time had passed that we would not longer be recognized. Long enough, for those I knew to have died. I had visited Charlie's grave earlier that day, the first I had ever done, but only sweet remembrance filled my mind. Peace, not grief. There was no grave for me.

My mind flew back, unwillingly, causing me to choke on a sob in my throat. I was trying so desperately, trying for Jasper's sake, but it came anyway.

_I was glad to see that there were still fresh flowers about Charlie's grave. It felt good to see that though the years had passed no one had forgotten him. It filled me with a sense of gentle recognition and soft smiles. I knelt beside the grave to lay my own fresh flowers._

_That's when the smell hit, a faint odor that was not yet fully apparent. I couldn't define what it was, but instantly alert, I slowly brought myself up and around._

_And faced my past._

With a gasp I flung myself away from the window, pressing my hands against my face. My knees hit the floor and I was sure I left I dent. I didn't mean to, but I had no control. All this pain.

I should have known, I should have known who was leaving the flowers. I should have known that by now Jake would be dead.

Sobs clogged in my throat, but no one came to me. To aid me.

Treacherously my mind whispered, _what could have been_.

Those kids I had seen, though in truth they were of an age to be almost adults, had been Jacob's grandchildren. _His_ grandchildren. I didn't know he had married, I hadn't thought he could.

Oh I had loved him! I know I did, but it was Edward I couldn't live without, despite all the pain that it caused me.

Again my mind, unbidden upon itself whispered at me seductively. _What could have been, had you never met Edward?_

Shaking my head I pulled myself to my feet and dragged myself back to the window. I stared out into the night and rain, and allowed myself to wonder, though the pain was nearly consuming me.

What could have been?

Would those grandchildren have been mine? Would they have greeted me with smiles instead of barely concealed growls?

The Quillettes had long memories. Edward had said so. This was proof. They had known me, though I was now a vampire. The smell upon me had repulsed them, I was afraid that soon they would be turning. They didn't attack though, for they remembered the shaky truce between us.

It hurt more that they had instantly recognized me as the one who had broken Jacob's heart.

I hadn't meant to hurt him, I wanted to tell them, but how could I? I was their enemy and the pain was too great. I had run.

But it was why I was standing here now, fighting a desire to go back; to speak with them, to _want_ those grandchildren to be mine. They would be part werewolf, but I didn't care.

I bent my head. It all could have been, if I had never met Edward.

I could have loved Jacob, I could have loved him with my whole heart. We would have had children together...something I was now yearning for and unable to have. Children of my blood and body. We would have grown old together, watched our children age from babies to adults. Watched them fall in love, watch them get married. We would have doted upon the grandchildren, smiled and loved, though we ourselves aged.

It all could have been if I had never met Edward.

I wanted it now, wanted it selfishly and with a desire. I hated myself for it, but it did not make the yearning disappear.

I had loved Jacob Black, but I had left him, for Edward. And what could have been, had never happened.

"Mom?"

So deep was I in my thoughts that I never heard the voice until it spoke. Startled, I turned, pressing a hand against my dead heart, wishing that it beat, full of life and vitality.

It was dark in the room, but I could still see Cassie, her heart-shaped face and strawberry blonde hair, the expression of concern upon her face.

"I'm alright," I murmured. "Don't worry about me."

She moved a step toward me. "Uncle Jasper is having a fit downstairs Mom...he says you're hurting. Dad ran off."

Ashamed I turned my head closing my eyes. "It is nothing Cassie. Why don't you go downstairs? I'll be down in a bit."

"Alright Mom..."

I waited, but she didn't move. Sometimes she was as stubborn as me. I tried to wait it out, but eventually I couldn't. I turned my head and looked into her golden eyes. "Do you ever wonder, what could have been?"

"What could have been, is not what is now," she replied. Her arms crossed, her head tilted.

I smiled, Cassie liked to say things in oblique and confusing manners that somehow managed to convey a message. I think I knew what she meant, but still I could not help but wonder. I had never wondered before, about this, but the incident with Jacob's grandkids had kick started my thinking into gear. I wish it hadn't.

I could not stop thinking about what could have been.

Cassie's face twisted, and she looked down. "I will see you downstairs." And she began to move away.

It fell into place then, like a puzzle whose pieces had fitted together to reveal a picture of truth.

It did not matter what could have been. I could have had Jake, I could have lived a life and died, but I would have never met Cassie, and I wouldn't be where I was now. I wouldn't have Edward, my heart, my life, the man I could not live without.

Jake was my past, a painful past, but what could have been between us, had never been meant to happen.

Cassie had stopped by the door, and was watching me. I smiled at her, and then rushed to envelope her in a hug.

"You are my, _what is now_," I murmured.

She laughed, squirming half-heartedly in my grip. "Hey! What about Dad?"

"Him too," I murmured. I pulled away. "Why don't we go see Jacob's grave tomorrow?"

She frowned.

I touched her face. "Just to say goodbye to my past."

What could have been, no longer mattered. I had my now. And that was all I needed, it had just taken me awhile to see it.


End file.
